C’mon – you’d be bored if your partner had the same personality traits as you! These tips for couples with different personality types are inspired by a reader’s comment:
“I knew I was introverted – I scored 27 out of 29 {on your test for introverted personality traits],” says L. on 30 Famous Introverts. “I was always a bookworm. How do I create calm in my marriage with my very extroverted husband? He thinks I am abnormal because I prefer to be alone, at home, or with family only, especially the grandkids.”
What a great question! Usually it’s the wife who is outgoing, social, and extroverted. Generally, husbands are more likely to want to stay home and putter (nut not always). My first tip for couples with wildly different personality types is to understand why your spouse acts the way he does. Then, you’ll know the best way to respond to him.
Personality Plus for Couples: Understanding Yourself and the One You Love includes a personality profile test, ways to resolve hot conflicts for couples, and what to expect if you marry someone of the same personality type, someone of the opposite type, or someone with a compatible personality type.
And, here are a few tips for couples with different types of personalities…
4 Tips for Couples With Wildly Different Personality Traits
Before you jump into the tips, remember that one partner in a marriage cannot “create calm.” A stable, connected, happy, healthy marriage is something that both partners have to work towards – and it’s a journey that will last until you take your last breath!
While you can’t create calm in your marriage by yourself, you can take steps towards happiness, connection, and growth…
Remember that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to approach life
L’s husband thinks she’s “abnormal” because she’s introverted. While this sorta bugs me, I do understand. Most people think introverted personality types are abnormal for a variety of reasons: extroverted personality traits are more valued in North American culture, there’s a lower percentage of introverts compared to extroverts, and people just don’t understand introversion.
The first tip for introverted wives (or husbands) is to help your spouse understand that you are not abnormal. How? By giving him books like The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World (or pointing out key passages if he doesn’t like to read). By reading books like Personality Plus for Couples together – or taking a workshop or class on personality. Take personality tests together — make it fun! The key is to learn more about personality so you understand each other better.
Go beyond understanding to respecting your partner’s personality type
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The introvert needs to understand her extroverted partner’s need for social activity, group interaction, and a busy social life. The extrovert needs to understand his introverted partner’s need for privacy and downtime. It’s just the way we’re built – there’s nothing “weird”, “abnormal”, or “unhealthy” about introverted or extroverted personality traits.
It’s one thing to understand the personality profiles of introverts and extroverts; it’s totally different to actually accept and even admire different personality types. Acceptance means not trying to change each other – and even valuing each other’s perspective and preferences.
If you don’t feel emotionally connected to your spouse, read When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage – Tips for Connecting.
Experiment with different ways to compromise – meet in the middle
My husband likes to stay home even more than I do. We’re both introverts, but I work from home and thus need social interaction in evenings and on weekends. He, on the other hand, works downtownVancouver all day every day, and likes to have downtime whenever he can.
So, we compromise. We go out once or twice a week, which is a little less than I’d like and a little more than he’d like. I do lots of stuff on my own (but I prefer him to come along, because I think experiencing things together brings us closer). Having separate as well as “together” lives will strengthen your relationship – and help you live happily with wildly different personality traits.
Accept yourself – even if your spouse doesn’t understand your personality
If your spouse can’t or refuses to accept that your personality is simply different than is, then you need to let it go. Not necessarily let him go…just let go of his labels, confusion, or frustration. If he doesn’t understand your traits no matter what you do, then you need to focus on the person you can change: you.
There are many ways to practice accepting yourself even when your spouse calls you “abnormal” or “weird.” If you’d like me to round up a few tips, let me know in the comments section below! I’d be happy to write an article for you.
